They always held hands when they entered church. Today, one marched in front of the other. My model couple, as I called them, had arrived. Something was different about them. I watched as they strode to their seats in the front pew. Mrs. Panan was looking glamorous in her lace gown, with an expertly made up face, albeit stretched in a tight unflattering smile. Her large hat framed her face, giving that classy and regal look, every woman loved. Mr. Panan was sporting his usual, printed, long sleeves with pressed trousers. His face was set and he didn’t acknowledge anyone.
As a young, single woman, I loved watching beautiful, happy couples; I wanted to learn the secrets to their perfect unions. Mr. and Mrs. Panan seemed like the ideal couple – always smiling at each other and holding hands.
It was Thanksgiving Sunday and I sat with others like me who’d come to show appreciation for God’s goodness in our lives. The stimulating music soon got everyone on their feet giving wholesome praise.
Mrs. Panan quickly got into the spirit; her hands and voice were raised high in joyful singing, drowning out the rest of us. Soon, she introduced loud whoops into her worship, and began hopping on the spot. I sat right behind her and became so enthralled by her moves that I abandoned my own worship.
But Mr. Panan was staring at his wife with dagger eyes; it seemed he didn’t like her absorbing performance like I did. Mrs. Panan then upped the worship ante; she got on her knees and her shrill voice competed with music from the big speakers. Mr. Panan grabbed her arm and jerked her to her feet. She shot him an evil look, held it for long seconds, and then returned to her knees. Her hands were raised again and she began to pray in earnest.
“Oh father,” Mrs. Panan cried. “Don’t allow the evil ones to stop me from worshipping you.”
Mr. Panan got on his knees too, and lifted his hands, “Oh father,” he said. “Do not listen to the prayers of evil women.”
What was going on with these two?
The pastor called for a handshake of fellowship as he ended the praise session. Everyone took their seats again, and the church fell silent as Pastor flipped through his scriptures.
A slight calm descended as the pastor prepared to launch into his sermon, with the congregants settling their minds to receive the message. It was at this time that Mr. and Mrs. Panan began another round of prayers, they fell on their knees again and their voices filled the hall.
The wife faced the husband and pointed at him, eyes still closed. “God has exposed the shameful sins of the evil one.”
“And when they pray, they pray like hypocrites, kneeling in front of the church to be seen by others,” replied the husband.
Eyes widened as everyone took in the couple making a spectacle in front of the church. Something was wrong with my model couple. This was no ordinary prayer.
“Oh hypocrite!” Mrs. Panan screamed. “The scripture says take the beam from out your eyes, before you remove the speck in another’s eye.”
The church exploded into loud whispers. Pastor stood for a moment, staring at the couple, until he realised they were about to ruin the service. He grabbed the microphone on the pulpit, “Mr. and Mrs. Panan please take your seats.” But they ignored him.
“Woe is the woman who refuses to feed her husband,” Mr. Panan said.
Mrs Panan, opened her eyes and smiled, “But woe is the man who denies his wife feeding money.”
“Woe unto that bad wife.”
“Woe unto that bad husband.”
“Father,” Mr. Panan thundered. “Do not suffer an ungodly and quarrelsome woman who will deny her husband the pleasure of her body.”
“Abah, Abah,” Mrs. Panan, clapped her hands in glee. “Let the ungodly man with countless lovers and mistresses be exposed by you.”
They faced off, husband and wife hurling scriptural barbs at each other. The pastor’s mouth hung open. The whole church was silent, hanging on every word. It would make for a salacious after-service tale.
I sighed as I realised Mr. and Mrs. Panan had come to air some seedy secrets in church today. Maybe they’d regret it later but it must have been very liberating to tell the truth. My model couple were not models after all. They were just like everyone else.
